Top 10 Air Fresheners That Don’t Exist But Really Should

Haven’t we all taken in that sickly sweet air that causes someone to blurt out ‘hey, did you plant a cherry tree in your foyer and not tell your best friend?’ or ‘wow, that apple pie smells fantastic! Is it really in your engine compartment?’
Yes, those moments of faux flowery exclamation are brought to us by the understandably overlooked but seemingly ever present air freshener. Whether holstered in an aerosol can, hanging from a rear view mirror, stuffed in your purse, or hidden in a body cavity, they serve an invaluable role in masking the reality of the world we live in and literally breath.air freshener2
But despite the technological advances made since the first StickUp was uh, stuck up (!?) those laid off NASA scientists sequestered the creative mojo that gave us freeze dried ice cream, Tang, and Velcro, punking our olfactory senses with disasters like Easter Eggs, Hair Dryer, and New Carpet. Oh come now.
So after exhaustive research I have for you the most requested new scents that some enterprising and creatively astute manufacturer will eventually concoct. You can thank me in Bearer Bonds. Or Starbuck gift cards, which actually hold their value better.
  1. Campground. Burning wood, insect repellent, porta potties. What’s not to like about a scent that reminds you of that time you tried to bribe your son with a Nintendo GameBoy just to avoid another scout jamboree at Camp Deliverance?
  2. Frozen Pizza. Make that midweek staple of families everywhere something special by filling your home with an aroma that whisks them far, far away to the suburban strip mall pizza shop you would have called in your order to if you only knew where your phone was.
  3. Fart. Because that free iPhone app can’t do this (that’s $1.99, buddy). Because you don’t own a dog. And because it’s not your house.
  4. NBA locker room. Sweat +money + weed. What’s not to like about that? #baller
  5. Mom’s kitchen. Unless your mom’s cooking sucked. In that case, go with #2
  6. Westin Hotel Lobby. Make that 800sqft box you call home smell like you pay your monthly rent every night
  7. Wrigley Field. Who doesn’t love the aroma of hot dogs, cotton candy, beer? Unfortunately the fragrance peters out at midseason and begins to take on the smell of wet goat hair. And failure.
  8. Office. Working from home? Start with a performance-inducing whiff of copy paper, burnt coffee, and drugstore cologne (thanks Ralph). Later, make yourself a lunch and eat it cross-legged on the sidewalk in front of your house. Golden.
  9. Starbucks. My favorite, of course. Don’t agree? Make your own list.
  10. Whole Foods. In honor of the Las Vegas casino of food stores, it’s the perfect aroma of over-priced grocery staples, ‘what the heck is that’ artisinal delights, and Sally Struthers-infused meats meant to tug on your social conscious. Comes in kit form, naturally.